It can take time to find someone who wants the same as you.
Then there's pressures from friends and family about relationships. Like if all your friends have boyfriends I girlfriends and you don't. Or if your family don't want you to be in a relationship. And what if you're attracted to someone of the same sex?
With all these pressures, it's hard to work out what you want . Sometimes you might find yourself just going along with what other people want.
Remember, it's ok to take your time, and to ask yourself:
A healthy relationship is when:
A healthy relationship is based on RESPECT.
If someone is treating you with respect, you feel:
Think about how you feel in your relationship, or in your friendships. If you don't always feel like this, maybe you are not being treated with respect.
Being around people who respect you and accept you for who you are helps to build your confidence.
You deserve to be treated with respect.
Sex is meant to be:
Sex isn't meant to be:
Remember, if you've been kissing or touching but don't want to go any further, that's ok. Kissing is not a contract.
Ask yourself:
Someone who loves you should respect your right to decide if and when to have sex.
If you don't feel ready to have sex, you could say 'I do love you but I don't feel ready to have sex yet'.
"I kept on pushing his hands away but he just put them back there, then I just froze, I couldn't say anything, it was horrible" - Trang.
What if someone has touched you or made you touch them in a sexual way, and you felt like you had no choice?
You might have:
No-one should force you into any sexual contact. In fact, it is sexual assault, and it is a crime that can be reported to the police.
Remember - they have done the wrong thing, not you.
It can help to talk to someone about it. See the 'Contacts' section of this page.
* Did you know - A survey found that 1 in 7 Australian teenage girls said a boyfriend had tried to force them to have sex. (Source, Young People and Domestic Violence. Canberra: National Crime Prevention, 2000).
I thought our relationship was fantastic at first. But now things have started happening that I don't understand. He gets mad at me for wanting to be with my friends. And any time he sees me speaking to any other guy he accuses me of flirting. He says it's because he loves me. - Chris
Jealousy might seem like a sign of love, But when someone uses anger or jealousy to try to control what you do, or acts like they 'own' you, this isn't love - it's control. You've got every right to talk to anyone you want to.
Fill in the quiz below. It will help you to think about your relationship and whether you're being treated right.
______seems to like me as a person
______won't let me to talk to other guys/girls
______respects my feelings, opinions and beliefs
______doesn't want me to spend time with my friends or family
______makes me feel like I have to watch what I do or say
______is ok if I say no to something (including sex)
______is happy for me to make my own decisions about my life
______often puts me down or criticizes me
______tries to work out arguments by compromising or talking
______sometimes scares or hurts me by being aggressive or violent
______is happy for me to see my own friends if I want to
______might try to hurt me or themselves if I wanted to break up
______makes me feel scared to disagree or to say no to things
The statements in italics are signs of love and respect. If you are being treated right, you should have ticked all of these. If you have ticked answers in bold, then there are signs that you are not being treated right.
They might not always treat you like this - sometimes they might be really nice. So you might think 'it's not that bad'. But you should always be treated with respect.
The first step in changing things is to understand what's happening.
Abuse happens when one person tries to control , or hurt the other. The abuse might be physical, sexual, or emotional.
Physical abuse is when someone is violent, or threatens to hurt you (eg, pushes you, smashes things, drives dangerously to scare you, etc).
It's against the law for someone to physically hurt you, threaten to hurt you, or force you into sexual contact. You can contact the police and the person can be charged with a crime.
Emotional Abuse includes when someone:
Emotional abuse can hurt you just as much as physical or sexual abuse.
If you are being abused - It's not your fault.
Think about your relationship. How is the way you are being treated making you feel? For example, in a loving relationship you might feel:
If you are abused you might feel:
People who are abusive will often make excuses for the way they act. They might say - 'I was just joking', 'You made me do it, 'I couldn't help it', 'I was drunk'.
But really, they act this way to try to control you. They pressure you or scare you as a way of getting you to do what they want. Guys often think they have a right to dominate their girlfriends, to be 'the boss'. But they haven't.
Jose didn't want me to go anywherewithout him. At first I thought it was cute that he missed me. After awhile I started to see the real him. He started to control what I wore, where I went and who I chilled with.
One day I was late to meet him and he was so angry that he hit me. Afterwards he said he was sorry, he loved me so much he'd kill himself if we broke up. But then things got worse. A month later we got into an argument and he nearly killed me - he strangled me and I started to black out. The next thing I remember was him on top of me: begging me to forgive him.
I'd been scared to tell anyone, but I just couldn't take it any more. I told my best friend and she helped me to see that he wasn't going to change. Then I rang him and said I didn't want to see him. He kept trying to come around and I ended up having to tell my mum about him, so she didn't let him in the house. It's been hard, but I feel stronger now I'm not seeing him.
If I knew someone who was being abused I'd say that you might think that it was only a once off, but it's not. Be careful. If there's someone you trust to tell then do it - it will make you feel so much better. - Stef
Maybe you still love them, or you feel like you'd be nothing without them. Maybe you feel trapped, or scared of what they might do if you leave.
Talking to someone can help you decide what to do. You don't have to go through this alone. Talk to a friend, a family member, a teacher, or a counsellor (see the 'Contacts' section of this page for ideas).
Have a break from the relationship, if you can, or don't see each other as much. Give yourself time to think. It can help to write your feelings down.
Ask yourself these questions...
The way others treat you can affect your self-esteem:
For example:
Things I've done that I feel proud of are..............................
What I like about myself is...............................................
My favourite things are...................................................
Some things that I'd like to do in my life are.............................
Remember:
After I split up from Nick I got my confidence back, and I started to hang out with my friends again.
Even though sometimes I did miss him a lot, I didn't miss all the shit he put me through.
Now a year later I've got a new boyfriend who I really love and trust, he's like one of my best friends, I can tell him anything. He just wants us to have fun together, there's no pressure, and he doesn't make a big deal of it if I don't want to do what he wants. I can be myself with him. - Ana
You could talk to a friend , a sister or brother, your parents, a teacher or a counsellor.
Whoever you talk to shouldn't judge or criticise you.
Counsellors can listen and give you support and ideas. It's ok to feel nervous about ringing a service. If so, you could ring first and ask about how their service works, before you talk about what's been happening. You don't have to give your name if you don't want to. Counsellors will keep what you tell them private (except if they think you are in immediate danger).
Family members and friends can ring a service for advice on how to help too.
Helpline - Violence Against Women: Australia Says No! Call this confidential 24 hour help helpline to talk with experienced counsellors. Ph: 1800 200 526. www.australiasaysno.qov.au
When Love Hurts - ideas & legal info, stories & advice from other people who have experienced abuse. www.dvirc.orq.au/whenlove
Bursting the Bubble - if things are not ok in your family. www.burstingthebubble.com
Kids Help Line - email and online counselling - email a counsellor for help & support. www.kidshelp.com.au Ph 1800 55 1800 (24hrs)
Australia Wide Ph: 1800 200 526
New South Wales
Domestic Violence 1800 656 463
Sexual Assault 1800 424 017
Northern Territory
Domestic Violence 1800 019 116
Sexual Assault (Darwin) (08) 8922 7156
Sexual Assault (Alice Springs) (08) 8951 5880
South Australia
Domestic Violence 1800 800 098
Sexual Assault 1800 817 421
Western Australia
Domestic Violence 1800 007 339
Sexual Assault 1800 199 888
ACT
Domestic Violence (02) 6280 0900
Sexual Assault (02) 6247 2525
Queensland
Domestic Violence 1800 811 811
Sexual Assault 1800 010 120
Tasmania
Domestic Violence 1800 633 937
Sexual Assault (Southern) (03) 6231 1811
Sexual Assault (Northern) (03) 6334 2740
Sexual Assault (North West) (03) 6431 9711
Victoria
Domestic Violence Melbourne (03) 9373 0123
Domestic Violence Rural 1800 015 188
Sexual Assault 1800 806 292
Disclaimer
The reprinting of this resource has been funded by the Australian Government's Domestic and Family Violence and Sexual Assault Initiative through the Office for Women. The Australian Government accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or completeness of any material contained in this resource and recommends that users exercise their own skill and care with respect to its use. The material contained in this resource does not necessarily reflect the views of the Australian Government.This site was developed by Carolyn Frohmader for Women With Disabilities Australia.